...

"Oni mnie nie lubią. Nie szkodzi. Kiedyś spotkam kogoś, kto będzie mnie lubił, nawet gdy nie bedę się starać. Gdy ktoś cie lubi, bo się starasz, to nie lubi cię takiej, jaką jesteś. Lubi nieprawdę o tobie..."
"Tam gdzie spadaja anioły" D.Terakowska

"They don't like me. It doesn't matter. One day I will meet someone who likes me even when I don't do my best. When someone likes you only when you're trying to be better, one doesn't like the real you. One likes a falsehood about you..."
"Where the angles fall" D.Terakowska

toss and turn...

I can't fall asleep.
(in the evening of course, when it's time for it. during the day I have no problems.)
I just toss and turn and think...
I make plans, I have energy and will to act, to put my thoughts into effect...
but whenever I wake up in the morning all that is gone.
it's like everything was starting from the beginning, like nothing happened in my head, like there was no yesterday...

except for laziness, apathy and no willpower.
that is always with me in the morning...
that stays with me all the time...


I am really fucking tired with it!
it's like a Groundhog Day...

when will I learn?

lies...

I can tell lies...
I can do it quite well when there is such a need...

but when it comes to tell the truth...
it's much harder.
what do I mean by that?
well, in the situation when I can't do my duties, carry on my obligations because of important and actual reasons, it is much harder to say that I can't do what I promised.
it is easier for me to tell a very good lie which sounds really authentic when I don't want to do what has been assigned to me because of my laziness.

so whenever I don't sound convincing, when it looks like I was telling lies, it might mean that this is the moment when I actually say the truth...

salsa...

came back at 4 am.
first time after a looooong break I went out ...


the French came so we went out to get to know each other.
it went very well, I remember two names out of 6...
no comment...


yes, salsa, a bit of alcohol, great people...

and I remembered how to flirt!
I brought to the day light (actually the night light) all my flirting capacities...

I enjoyed it soooo much!!

layout...

you like it?

maybe, maybe not...

but I do. 
I like the fact that I'm finding out how it works.
I'm able to change basic options now...

if it goes like that, I might be able to write my own algorythm soon...

;)

english...

I say things to myself.
I do it in mind.
maybe crazy but I do it.

it helps me to organize my thoughts...

but the thing is that I do it in English...
and I realize, that I think about my problems and analyze things in English, after a few sentences...
in the middle of conversation with myself, I face the fact that this crazy Polish girl is thinking in English.



yes, sorry, there is nothing going on...
and since I wanted to put anything on the blog I came out with this...

but this is what it takes...
sitting at home for few days, alone, this is a result.

that's the training for post-operation time.
going pretty well...



HELP!

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~

chris...

best of Chris Isaak...

that's how I feel...
song by song...
lyrics by lyrics...



I feel like I was standing at the crossroads.
and I had to make a decision which way to go.
I'm getting more and more terrified, indecisive and nervous...
I actually feel someone watching me and waiting for my decision.
pushing and pushing
and I am running out of time...

I see it coming...
it will break soon.

so if don't get myself together...............................


I will, actually for the first time in my life, face the consequences.


get myself together

get

       myself

                    together



or I will 'again' just toss off all that...
and continue like nothing's happened.

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warmth...

I need it...

I need a strong hug, tender touch, warm look...

I need someone to be close...

I need affection...

...



this is an effect of being single and having only male friends, who lately found girlfriends.
girlfriends who are being jealous, and me being paralysed, trying not to do any move which would seem like a flirt...

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