no comment...

I was watching Desperado, having a drink (Krupnik with tea, mmm...) when this scene came up:



my sex life is a disaster.
it's not even worth complaining.

brr.

sutures

I cut my hand. at work, in the lab. nasty wound, lots of blood, sutures.
and I can't go to Leuven for the weekend like I wanted.

but except for that I am having quite a good time. or actually was having?
good work in the morning, then book reading (Merde actually by Stephen Clarke), some web browsing.
that was enough to make me feel good.
oh, and a sweet movie Elizabethtown





my father's back. no one knows for how long. he wishes to be here as short as possible and go back to my mum.
I'd like that too.
it's so nice to watch them these days. the sickness brought them closer.
now they look like a cute elderly couple. and my dad is easygoing, caring and warm. so unusual.
but thanks to work his mind would stay clear longer.
tough decision.
probably his physical condition will do the job.


so now, despite my father's fatal disease, my poor cut hand which might not feel a touch, relationships' disaster and money shortness, I feel good.
I am smiling.
;)

.

I feel so fucking incredibly lonely...


one thing, the only one that I put my energy in for the last year really sincerely, has fallen apart with just one sentence.

it's too much for me.
too much pain.
too many times.

but life without people has no meaning for me.

I need to get tougher.
but I won't be that open, and my most favourite quality will be destroyed.

if I don't get tougher though...
next time I feel abandoned there will be no more power and willing to fight for the new day.

sounds overreacted?

this is how important it is for me.
people, relations, friendship, closeness




or others get hurt, or I end up crying and blue, or I don't have enough courage to get fully open and it makes pretty much no sense.


I was hoping that after Pit's visit I will be regenerated and happy that I know a good person.
instead I end up in much worse condition than before it.
so great.

my father...

my father is sick.
they still don't know what is wrong, if this is a cancer or something else.
he's depressed that he has no power over his condition.

and I
I don't feel sorry for him.
I am not worried, terrified, nor anxious.

am I sick??
what is wrong with me?
I felt much worse when Marcin was ill.

and now! it's my father for God's sake!!!!!

is it me or the fact that he was never much of a father but rather an authority?
or that I was not living with him for 18 years of my life?

or I am so egoistic and rotten?

please no!!
let it be the fact that all of this is happening over a phone and I didn't really feel it yet.

please, oh, please.

weird...

I feel really weird.

it's been over 4 weeks now that I don't go out.
stay only in bed and around the house.

it made me listless.


last Friday my father went for a weekend to my mother.
and he didn't come back.
he ended up in a hospital.
he will need a surgery most probably.
so he won't be here for the next few weeks.

the weird part is, that I've been waiting to be alone in the house, like forever, but since it's so unexpected I don't know how to deal with it.


yesterday evening my mother came.
she stayed over for a night.
but she drove back to Białystok already.

she came, she went...
left an emptiness again.


this evening my sister is going to Spain.
for vacations. 10 days.

I will be all by myself.


spiritless and apathetic.
that's who I became now.
a thought that occurred to me - I'd like to disappear.
evaporate like a water in a warm day.

no body, no problems...

air...

a spring-summer scent...
when I take a breath, for a split of a second, the fresh air brings back to me Belgium (of course, what else could you expect).
I feel again like it was those few weeks of May and June, whene it felt right. the every day drill, getting up at 9, library, studyinh and waiting for the closing time to go swimming or meet Pit.
my own room, my rules, my mistakes, my problems.
there was only me who cared for my successes or failures.
and only the person in a mirrow was the one I had to face afterwords.

now is whole bunch of people who mean something to me and facing them, even after I achive something, is hard.
why? how?

I'd love to know the answers.

knee..

this time it looks a bit worse.
in the matter of facts it was an operation, they cut out my tendon to make a ligament from it.
so it hurts now.
and looks bad.

home...

hey,
I'm back home from the hospital.

I'm tired and sleepy, can't walk more than 2 hours a day, should lie down and exercise my precious knee.

so from Monday on I will have a rehab again.

big day...

tomorrow's a big day.

so afraid.
not about the operation.
I am worried more that it won't happen tomorrow.
of course because of my irresponsibility.
my attitude.


but aside from my drawbacks I have many good sides.
right?
YES!
but those are mainly soft skills.
interpersonal.
not so useful in today's world.
but very nice when it comes to deal with people and have friends.
you should know that best :)





and if all that was not enough, the washing-machine just broke.
and there is no money to buy a new one.
all went to pay for the operation.
crap crap crap

mix...

anxiety, excitation, fear...

the reason why I am afraid and can't feel the peace is that I am worried I didn't fulfill all the conditions and didn't carry my responsibilities which I should have before the operation.
that I will realise I was supposed to do something and I just did not. simply. foolishly.
and then, since I am not so mobile any more, I will have to ask somebody to do it.
crap.


I am on the edge.
keeping the balance.
but for how much longer?

maybe I should not ask this question?
and, like my grandma used to say, let sleeping dogs lie. (actually in polish it's about the wolf which should not be called from the forest).

it's been like that since I can remember.
first one in the kindergarten.




while sitting in front of the TV and not really watching what was on, I thought I could go away.
not just wherever but after somebody.
to give up what I don't yet have.
and give it a chance.

eh, again!
when I fail at the uni, I start looking for other ways out.
dreaming.
trying to find a place in the world where I can feel good again.
usually I can find Pit there.



so many years.
and just one problem.
maybe two.
on and on.
I'm so tired with it.

why I didn't change it yet?

because I am afraid.
I don't know how it is when those problems are not in my life.
in a way, I feel safe now.
it sounds so ridicules.
I thought I am open minded but apparently I was wrong.
if so, then were from I had courage to go to Belgium?
or maybe the fact that I failed in a way when had to come back here taught me to be scared?

actually this is how I see it.
I see my return to Poland as a failure.
I feel chained by this lack of success.

vicious circle.

Leuven...

back in Leuven.
only for a week but still.

so good, so on the right place...

I feel like I never left.
or at least not for so long.

baby-girl...

I miss him. I miss this bastard!
but no, he is going to Nigeria.

why not New Zealand? this would be farther!



and those seconds, even just split seconds, when Marcin comes to my mind and I realise that he is no longer here...
I still don't believe it happened.
I plan what to ask him next time we see.


I feel so unreal.
like all that is happening was just my imagination, dream or a story I am reading.
it's just enough to close the book and correct everything that is wrong. or not in time, or missed.
I constantly feel like I had a possibility to get back time and redo all I want...

wake up baby-girl

[']

Marcin died.
yesterday.

and I can't even close the skype conversation window with His name on it, where his sister contacts me, because...
because I won't see His name on the skype-bar any more.
I won't talk to Him any more.

it's absolutely egoistic.
but it's we who left here, still alive, that have to deal with our sadness, fact that He is not around any more, look at His things, clean His room.

for me the most personal, important thing is smell. nowadays it's mainly perfumes. and thanks to a coincidence I have His 212 by Carolina Herrera.
for me there is nothing stronger to wake up memories than a smell...


all I can see is emptiness, black whole in places He used to be...


trzymaj się Cinu...
może tam nie ma przynajmniej swędzenia ;)

cancer...

my Friend is dying...

He lost the power that kept Him strong during 10 years of fighting with the cancer.
why? why now? why at all?

and that I am completely not prepared.
have no idea how to react.

I knew He had an retrogression. another.
one of so many.

and everybody believed this time will be just the same.
He will fight it off.
gain few more years...


I lost the hope.
why?
while this is the only thing I can do now.
to believe!
and pray.

and I don't!
what is wrong with me?
why I killed Him already when he is still alive?!?
why in the only moment when optimism and unreasonable faith in success is most welcome I start to be reasonable and pessimistic????



God, please, take care of Him.
be with Him, give Him strength to fight.
please...

dream...

the other night I had a dream, not very nice one.
my father stuck a knife in my back, several times.
and the rest of my family was watching it with kind of an approval on their faces.

two nights later the dream where my mother didn't respect my asks and my person.



I need to decide when to have an operation.
it's not only that I have to be really healthy, with no inflammation and no bad bacteria but also it has to be a good day.
what do I mean by 'good day'? stars, moon-phase and all the rest of rather indescribable powers that are all around us.

on the one hand why not? for ages people believed in it, lived by it.
I also know that human mind can work miracles, has extreme power.
so why not to respect it? why not to go with it?

why not? because to find a day where the doctor can proceed the operation, I can have few days of the school, stars are in good constellation, moon is waning and it is a good day for Sagittarius is #~*^%%?## hard.

and my knee hurts.


I should be back to my notes.
toxicology again, blah!

post...

I want to write a post soooo desperatly.
I've been trying for few days now but there is nothing in my head that can be put in a sensible, readible piece and posted on my blog...

but I tell you that I am sick again. this time it's a virus. 38*C, pharyngitis, 3 days in bed so long...

no idea for life

no will to study

I don't feel sad
nor bad

I am quite happy and smiling.
I feel like I accepted my new life where there is nothing except for intenet, tv, crappy food and sleep.


pathetic?

well...

travel...

1h10 minutes to go...

I am on the train now.
going to Białystok to visit my mother...

I really enjoy this trip.
I am looking through the window with an eye of a foreigner...
it gives completely different view...
much better view.
I feel happiness from the fact that what I see outside is so different from what you can find in Western countries.
I would never had this way of looking at the neighbourhood if not my Erasmus scholarship, my Erasmus friends and Erasmus students that came to my University...
that's really amazing feeling...



48 minutes to go...

I also try to organise my thoughts.
it's a 2h 40 minutes travel.
for me it is always the best time for sleeping.
this quiet speech of wheels, engine, wind and heating...
drops of rain on the window...
and I can see only 2 meters aside from the track that are lightened with the lights of the train.
snow is still here,
in Warsaw there was none any more...

I am thinking...
I read two good articles in the magazine.
one about Siberia...
and one about NLP - Neuro-linguistic programming...

Baikal is coming back over and over.

and this music in my ears.
I put on the mp3 player pieces that bring back memories.
U2
Juanes with La camisa negra
Chris Isaak
and some french chansons...

it is so difficult to put into words all what is in my head at the moment...

foreigners, sightseeing, long trips, learning languages, friends, feelings, being nice and good to each other, working on your character, 'maps' we have in out heads which we use to name the world, psychology, how to do things that I actually like? what would give me an opportunity to build a good future and life on that basis?


31 minutes to go...

old bus and again an impression that in this city only hopeless and clumsy people left...
young and good looking, brave and cleaver, with the hope for a better future, all them are somewhere else...

I am one of them?
I grew up in Białystok only by coincidence, life of my family was in Warsaw, whole my childhood I was waiting to come back to Warsaw. and I did. and I feel good. and I don't feel like I was cheating on Białystok.

the strangest feeling is when during any conversation, when Białystok is mentioned, I always say: 'that's where I am from!'
but whenever I came back here, I never feel like I was at home.

do I feel so when I step on the platform at the train station in Warsaw? yes. but this is only because here is more people like me, I don't feel different.


16 minutes to go...

and time to finish, battery is almost empty...

in 15 minutes I will step on the platform, in the city where I grew up, the place on the earth where I don't feel good at all.





where is the place where I do feel good?

...

"Oni mnie nie lubią. Nie szkodzi. Kiedyś spotkam kogoś, kto będzie mnie lubił, nawet gdy nie bedę się starać. Gdy ktoś cie lubi, bo się starasz, to nie lubi cię takiej, jaką jesteś. Lubi nieprawdę o tobie..."
"Tam gdzie spadaja anioły" D.Terakowska

"They don't like me. It doesn't matter. One day I will meet someone who likes me even when I don't do my best. When someone likes you only when you're trying to be better, one doesn't like the real you. One likes a falsehood about you..."
"Where the angles fall" D.Terakowska

toss and turn...

I can't fall asleep.
(in the evening of course, when it's time for it. during the day I have no problems.)
I just toss and turn and think...
I make plans, I have energy and will to act, to put my thoughts into effect...
but whenever I wake up in the morning all that is gone.
it's like everything was starting from the beginning, like nothing happened in my head, like there was no yesterday...

except for laziness, apathy and no willpower.
that is always with me in the morning...
that stays with me all the time...


I am really fucking tired with it!
it's like a Groundhog Day...

when will I learn?

lies...

I can tell lies...
I can do it quite well when there is such a need...

but when it comes to tell the truth...
it's much harder.
what do I mean by that?
well, in the situation when I can't do my duties, carry on my obligations because of important and actual reasons, it is much harder to say that I can't do what I promised.
it is easier for me to tell a very good lie which sounds really authentic when I don't want to do what has been assigned to me because of my laziness.

so whenever I don't sound convincing, when it looks like I was telling lies, it might mean that this is the moment when I actually say the truth...

salsa...

came back at 4 am.
first time after a looooong break I went out ...


the French came so we went out to get to know each other.
it went very well, I remember two names out of 6...
no comment...


yes, salsa, a bit of alcohol, great people...

and I remembered how to flirt!
I brought to the day light (actually the night light) all my flirting capacities...

I enjoyed it soooo much!!

layout...

you like it?

maybe, maybe not...

but I do. 
I like the fact that I'm finding out how it works.
I'm able to change basic options now...

if it goes like that, I might be able to write my own algorythm soon...

;)

english...

I say things to myself.
I do it in mind.
maybe crazy but I do it.

it helps me to organize my thoughts...

but the thing is that I do it in English...
and I realize, that I think about my problems and analyze things in English, after a few sentences...
in the middle of conversation with myself, I face the fact that this crazy Polish girl is thinking in English.



yes, sorry, there is nothing going on...
and since I wanted to put anything on the blog I came out with this...

but this is what it takes...
sitting at home for few days, alone, this is a result.

that's the training for post-operation time.
going pretty well...



HELP!

~
~

chris...

best of Chris Isaak...

that's how I feel...
song by song...
lyrics by lyrics...



I feel like I was standing at the crossroads.
and I had to make a decision which way to go.
I'm getting more and more terrified, indecisive and nervous...
I actually feel someone watching me and waiting for my decision.
pushing and pushing
and I am running out of time...

I see it coming...
it will break soon.

so if don't get myself together...............................


I will, actually for the first time in my life, face the consequences.


get myself together

get

       myself

                    together



or I will 'again' just toss off all that...
and continue like nothing's happened.

~
~

warmth...

I need it...

I need a strong hug, tender touch, warm look...

I need someone to be close...

I need affection...

...



this is an effect of being single and having only male friends, who lately found girlfriends.
girlfriends who are being jealous, and me being paralysed, trying not to do any move which would seem like a flirt...

~
~

dreaming...

I'm dreaming again!

a week ago it was bad. I didn't care of anything really...
all I was doing was sleeping...

but now it is better, knock on wood...
I have plans, dreams and wishes...
and energy!
not so much but still...


but the 'knock on wood' thing brings me to other superstitions...
like today's (tonight's actually) dream.
I dreamt that I brought my dearest Belgian friend [ ;) ] to my mother's house.
there was also a raspberry bush and small flies...
and all fruits were rotten.
blah...

and the first thing I did when I woke up was (you can guess here)...
yes, I checked the dreambook.

no, the explanation wasn't nice...

anyway, what I wanted to say is that I just do it.
I am superstitious.
I like it. I do it.
I believe in it somehow.
sometimes I take suggestions...

I just don't want to tempt faith.

~
~

lab...

last week I started laboratory work to my master thesis...

I can't believe it myself but my supervisor is a woman...
she's only 6 years older than me, so it is working quite good.
although I am not being myself completely, I feel well enough.
and I am really hoping for a good cooperation with her...

and the subject?
well...
I like it!

and I believe that I will get to like it even more...
~
~

gay...

so many times I wanted to be lesbian...

not to have a relation with a girl...
no, not only...

especially because I know that I would not hide myself in the closet...
I would show the fact to the world...
and because of that I could give an example to my friends to do the same...

but being heterosexual I have no arguments...
I can only support them by saying that I really don't care what sexual orientation people have!

as long as they are happy they can have a relationship with the same or opposite sex...

just don't hide it!
~
~

q...

I found it on some blog.
you suppose to bold things you did.

so..

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had/Have amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the snake river
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in a Rocky Horror Picture Show
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read “The Iliad”
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

that's pretty much it...
although as you can see it's really American...

anyway, have fun doing it on your own!
and maybe you'll manage to do all those thing one day?
it would be interesting, wouldn't it?

good night...
~
~

stupid...

the more i think about a future job, an internship, even about my master work, the more stupid i feel...
i'm getting an impression that i don't know a thing!
when it comes to an essential knowledge from the field of my studies i am like a layman!
and my results are bad also...

when i was younger, i found myself as an intelligent person.
i understood things easily, i was able to study fast.
and painless.
now it comes with a big effort which i'm not used to completely!!

i feel hopeless...

i feel that i won't find any good job.

all of the adds i'm looking at are target to "high academic achievers" or "Candidates who have a strong academic background" or (the best one) "Candidates need to be studying Chemistry at A Level and should expect to get high grades."

aaaaaa!!!!!!

ok, i have some good sides. which actually look good on a paper...
but i don't feel like i was good!
i don't feel that i AM a STUDENT.
that i could be an employee at the position where i would have to use the knowledge i collected during all those years at the university. or that i at least have a background to start a job which has something to do with the profile of my studies.

i can't imagine it...
~
~

rehab...

talking about rehab...

that's my knee...



nice, isn't it ;)
~
~

talking...

you know how it is talking to strangers...
on the train, at the bus stop or in the shop...
those complains, opinions or just few sentences that you exchange with people...

well, after my stay in Belgium i stopped doing it.
i don't answer, i don't say a word...
i just look at the person and smile...
i don't even do the nodding...

that's why my surprise was even bigger when i realised that i can't stop talking to the girl i met and the rehab!
i was just telling things, making stories, giving her unneeded informations...
i was making a conversation with a stranger...

i felt like an old lonely women who use any opportunity to speak with someone...

strange...
~
~