my father...

my father is sick.
they still don't know what is wrong, if this is a cancer or something else.
he's depressed that he has no power over his condition.

and I
I don't feel sorry for him.
I am not worried, terrified, nor anxious.

am I sick??
what is wrong with me?
I felt much worse when Marcin was ill.

and now! it's my father for God's sake!!!!!

is it me or the fact that he was never much of a father but rather an authority?
or that I was not living with him for 18 years of my life?

or I am so egoistic and rotten?

please no!!
let it be the fact that all of this is happening over a phone and I didn't really feel it yet.

please, oh, please.

weird...

I feel really weird.

it's been over 4 weeks now that I don't go out.
stay only in bed and around the house.

it made me listless.


last Friday my father went for a weekend to my mother.
and he didn't come back.
he ended up in a hospital.
he will need a surgery most probably.
so he won't be here for the next few weeks.

the weird part is, that I've been waiting to be alone in the house, like forever, but since it's so unexpected I don't know how to deal with it.


yesterday evening my mother came.
she stayed over for a night.
but she drove back to Białystok already.

she came, she went...
left an emptiness again.


this evening my sister is going to Spain.
for vacations. 10 days.

I will be all by myself.


spiritless and apathetic.
that's who I became now.
a thought that occurred to me - I'd like to disappear.
evaporate like a water in a warm day.

no body, no problems...