air...

a spring-summer scent...
when I take a breath, for a split of a second, the fresh air brings back to me Belgium (of course, what else could you expect).
I feel again like it was those few weeks of May and June, whene it felt right. the every day drill, getting up at 9, library, studyinh and waiting for the closing time to go swimming or meet Pit.
my own room, my rules, my mistakes, my problems.
there was only me who cared for my successes or failures.
and only the person in a mirrow was the one I had to face afterwords.

now is whole bunch of people who mean something to me and facing them, even after I achive something, is hard.
why? how?

I'd love to know the answers.

knee..

this time it looks a bit worse.
in the matter of facts it was an operation, they cut out my tendon to make a ligament from it.
so it hurts now.
and looks bad.

home...

hey,
I'm back home from the hospital.

I'm tired and sleepy, can't walk more than 2 hours a day, should lie down and exercise my precious knee.

so from Monday on I will have a rehab again.

big day...

tomorrow's a big day.

so afraid.
not about the operation.
I am worried more that it won't happen tomorrow.
of course because of my irresponsibility.
my attitude.


but aside from my drawbacks I have many good sides.
right?
YES!
but those are mainly soft skills.
interpersonal.
not so useful in today's world.
but very nice when it comes to deal with people and have friends.
you should know that best :)





and if all that was not enough, the washing-machine just broke.
and there is no money to buy a new one.
all went to pay for the operation.
crap crap crap

mix...

anxiety, excitation, fear...

the reason why I am afraid and can't feel the peace is that I am worried I didn't fulfill all the conditions and didn't carry my responsibilities which I should have before the operation.
that I will realise I was supposed to do something and I just did not. simply. foolishly.
and then, since I am not so mobile any more, I will have to ask somebody to do it.
crap.


I am on the edge.
keeping the balance.
but for how much longer?

maybe I should not ask this question?
and, like my grandma used to say, let sleeping dogs lie. (actually in polish it's about the wolf which should not be called from the forest).

it's been like that since I can remember.
first one in the kindergarten.




while sitting in front of the TV and not really watching what was on, I thought I could go away.
not just wherever but after somebody.
to give up what I don't yet have.
and give it a chance.

eh, again!
when I fail at the uni, I start looking for other ways out.
dreaming.
trying to find a place in the world where I can feel good again.
usually I can find Pit there.



so many years.
and just one problem.
maybe two.
on and on.
I'm so tired with it.

why I didn't change it yet?

because I am afraid.
I don't know how it is when those problems are not in my life.
in a way, I feel safe now.
it sounds so ridicules.
I thought I am open minded but apparently I was wrong.
if so, then were from I had courage to go to Belgium?
or maybe the fact that I failed in a way when had to come back here taught me to be scared?

actually this is how I see it.
I see my return to Poland as a failure.
I feel chained by this lack of success.

vicious circle.