mix...

anxiety, excitation, fear...

the reason why I am afraid and can't feel the peace is that I am worried I didn't fulfill all the conditions and didn't carry my responsibilities which I should have before the operation.
that I will realise I was supposed to do something and I just did not. simply. foolishly.
and then, since I am not so mobile any more, I will have to ask somebody to do it.
crap.


I am on the edge.
keeping the balance.
but for how much longer?

maybe I should not ask this question?
and, like my grandma used to say, let sleeping dogs lie. (actually in polish it's about the wolf which should not be called from the forest).

it's been like that since I can remember.
first one in the kindergarten.




while sitting in front of the TV and not really watching what was on, I thought I could go away.
not just wherever but after somebody.
to give up what I don't yet have.
and give it a chance.

eh, again!
when I fail at the uni, I start looking for other ways out.
dreaming.
trying to find a place in the world where I can feel good again.
usually I can find Pit there.



so many years.
and just one problem.
maybe two.
on and on.
I'm so tired with it.

why I didn't change it yet?

because I am afraid.
I don't know how it is when those problems are not in my life.
in a way, I feel safe now.
it sounds so ridicules.
I thought I am open minded but apparently I was wrong.
if so, then were from I had courage to go to Belgium?
or maybe the fact that I failed in a way when had to come back here taught me to be scared?

actually this is how I see it.
I see my return to Poland as a failure.
I feel chained by this lack of success.

vicious circle.