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Marcin died.
yesterday.

and I can't even close the skype conversation window with His name on it, where his sister contacts me, because...
because I won't see His name on the skype-bar any more.
I won't talk to Him any more.

it's absolutely egoistic.
but it's we who left here, still alive, that have to deal with our sadness, fact that He is not around any more, look at His things, clean His room.

for me the most personal, important thing is smell. nowadays it's mainly perfumes. and thanks to a coincidence I have His 212 by Carolina Herrera.
for me there is nothing stronger to wake up memories than a smell...


all I can see is emptiness, black whole in places He used to be...


trzymaj się Cinu...
może tam nie ma przynajmniej swędzenia ;)

cancer...

my Friend is dying...

He lost the power that kept Him strong during 10 years of fighting with the cancer.
why? why now? why at all?

and that I am completely not prepared.
have no idea how to react.

I knew He had an retrogression. another.
one of so many.

and everybody believed this time will be just the same.
He will fight it off.
gain few more years...


I lost the hope.
why?
while this is the only thing I can do now.
to believe!
and pray.

and I don't!
what is wrong with me?
why I killed Him already when he is still alive?!?
why in the only moment when optimism and unreasonable faith in success is most welcome I start to be reasonable and pessimistic????



God, please, take care of Him.
be with Him, give Him strength to fight.
please...

dream...

the other night I had a dream, not very nice one.
my father stuck a knife in my back, several times.
and the rest of my family was watching it with kind of an approval on their faces.

two nights later the dream where my mother didn't respect my asks and my person.



I need to decide when to have an operation.
it's not only that I have to be really healthy, with no inflammation and no bad bacteria but also it has to be a good day.
what do I mean by 'good day'? stars, moon-phase and all the rest of rather indescribable powers that are all around us.

on the one hand why not? for ages people believed in it, lived by it.
I also know that human mind can work miracles, has extreme power.
so why not to respect it? why not to go with it?

why not? because to find a day where the doctor can proceed the operation, I can have few days of the school, stars are in good constellation, moon is waning and it is a good day for Sagittarius is #~*^%%?## hard.

and my knee hurts.


I should be back to my notes.
toxicology again, blah!

post...

I want to write a post soooo desperatly.
I've been trying for few days now but there is nothing in my head that can be put in a sensible, readible piece and posted on my blog...

but I tell you that I am sick again. this time it's a virus. 38*C, pharyngitis, 3 days in bed so long...

no idea for life

no will to study

I don't feel sad
nor bad

I am quite happy and smiling.
I feel like I accepted my new life where there is nothing except for intenet, tv, crappy food and sleep.


pathetic?

well...

travel...

1h10 minutes to go...

I am on the train now.
going to Białystok to visit my mother...

I really enjoy this trip.
I am looking through the window with an eye of a foreigner...
it gives completely different view...
much better view.
I feel happiness from the fact that what I see outside is so different from what you can find in Western countries.
I would never had this way of looking at the neighbourhood if not my Erasmus scholarship, my Erasmus friends and Erasmus students that came to my University...
that's really amazing feeling...



48 minutes to go...

I also try to organise my thoughts.
it's a 2h 40 minutes travel.
for me it is always the best time for sleeping.
this quiet speech of wheels, engine, wind and heating...
drops of rain on the window...
and I can see only 2 meters aside from the track that are lightened with the lights of the train.
snow is still here,
in Warsaw there was none any more...

I am thinking...
I read two good articles in the magazine.
one about Siberia...
and one about NLP - Neuro-linguistic programming...

Baikal is coming back over and over.

and this music in my ears.
I put on the mp3 player pieces that bring back memories.
U2
Juanes with La camisa negra
Chris Isaak
and some french chansons...

it is so difficult to put into words all what is in my head at the moment...

foreigners, sightseeing, long trips, learning languages, friends, feelings, being nice and good to each other, working on your character, 'maps' we have in out heads which we use to name the world, psychology, how to do things that I actually like? what would give me an opportunity to build a good future and life on that basis?


31 minutes to go...

old bus and again an impression that in this city only hopeless and clumsy people left...
young and good looking, brave and cleaver, with the hope for a better future, all them are somewhere else...

I am one of them?
I grew up in Białystok only by coincidence, life of my family was in Warsaw, whole my childhood I was waiting to come back to Warsaw. and I did. and I feel good. and I don't feel like I was cheating on Białystok.

the strangest feeling is when during any conversation, when Białystok is mentioned, I always say: 'that's where I am from!'
but whenever I came back here, I never feel like I was at home.

do I feel so when I step on the platform at the train station in Warsaw? yes. but this is only because here is more people like me, I don't feel different.


16 minutes to go...

and time to finish, battery is almost empty...

in 15 minutes I will step on the platform, in the city where I grew up, the place on the earth where I don't feel good at all.





where is the place where I do feel good?