egoistic...

i noticed lately that i'm being egoistic...
i'm self centred and i look only after my business...

earlier i used to be so altruistic.
i was trying to take care of people, help them and to be useful for them...
i was much nicer...
now i don't notice peoples' needs, wishes or asks...

and i don't feel good with it...
i liked myself much more earlier...
the way i used to be, gave me more of good feelings...

i hope that in the 2007 i will manage to come back to the mode of 'a nice altruistic girl'...

despite that some of you may think that this is strange...
or unhealthy...
or whatever...
~
~

magical...

I would love to wish you all very magical Christmas !
Be happy and make this time as great as possible!
Get the blessing and give the joy!

Wesołych Świąt Kochani!

Vrolijke Kerst!

Frohe Weihnachten!

Joyeux Noël!

shopping...

shopping for Christmas' presents two days before Christmas Eve is not the best idea...

so tomorrow i'm off to my mother's place... and the real Christmas preparations will start...

so, good night!
yes, at 12pm, not 1 or 2 am.
yes, i'm tired...
~
~

actually...

actually i like my life...
just few slight changes and...


yes, i am starting to figure out my New Year's resolutions...

the first ones are to sleep less and use my days more effectively and efficiently...

those are big ones!



what are yours?
~
~

sth stupid...

And then I go and spoil it all
by saying something stupid
like: "I love you" ...
~
~

mug...

since i made first dishwashing after over a week, i had an occasion to count my mugs.
i have six of my own, personal mugs... and a one espresso cup...

that was a really strange birthday anniversary, because of the mugs' concentration...

so next occasion maybe some books or cosmetics...
~
~

a year ago...

at this time, one year ago i was preparing myself to go home for Christmas.
first three months of Erasmus scholarship were slowly getting towards the end.
i had this amazing, unusual feeling of coming home, really coming to a real home.

i think that this is what i miss most now. independence.
i was self-reliant but still being aware that the home is there for me. that i have one no matter what.

and Agu. she made that time in Belgium so great. with her i had a feeling that Christmas is coming.
i felt the atmosphere, i was enjoying it.

i smile to all those memories...
and i am hoping that there will be a time in the future that i will feel so great again...
~
~

god...

when i got to know him in the High School, he used to call himself a god...
whenever we were close, he made me feel good.
with him i could explore other levels of my being, of my character.
i liked it a lot.

then it got a bit complicated, since he was a man and i was a woman.
i didn't want to have so much of a contact with him.

but yesterday we talked a bit.
and i realised that i need it.
i need this unusual feeling he managed to bring out from my soul.

does he still have this skill?
i really hope so...

i hope to find it out soon...
~
~

no life...

a friend of mine said that a blog is usually written by people who have no life or big problems...

which case of those am i?

at the moment i would say that even both...
~
~

moving...

let's see how it will be here...

new page - new beginning?
maybe...

good luck!

tomorrow...

tomorrow i will get up and start it from the very beginning...
how many times i said that to myself...
and it never worked.

i don't believe that it will work this time.

but actually why wouldn't it?
i don't know the future.
every day is a new day, so maybe...



this week we have Erasmus Day at my University.
it will be busy...

this week is the last weekend before Christmas.
i want to meet my best Erasmuses and have a nice dinner.
so i should think about some small, nice gifts...
hmm, that can be really nice...

Christmas is really coming!
maybe this year it will be good and real?
without wishes like 'maybe next year we will celebrate with some more people? ;) '
or 'we would love to have a wedding soon'
it's all so funny.


what i want as wishes for me?
to find my way.
to know where i am going and what for.
which path is my path...

actually i wish You all, may it be a good time for You. find your place and be happy.
or to stay at least as happy as you were at the moment you found it out already.

hope.

to develop...

you know what?
what is that i want now?

i really want to develop a friendship with him...
yes, i friendship. no, not a relationship, a friendship.
i want us to be friends...

and i'm really looking forward to spending some time together on a trip.
any trip.
few days outside the city, with the nature. or similar.
i'm not sure when or what but i would love to.

indeed, the Baikal.
that's exactly what it should be...



but till then, i have my master's research.
i will start it this week, hopefully...
finally...

and i'll think about my future.
actually...
no. i will keep it quite, as always when it comes to a really important thing for me ;)

slaap wel...

better...

i had a really nice evening with my Erasmus students...

and when i got back home, i found some e-mails...
his e-mails...

that's good.
although i feel like brain washed...
pity that we didn't make to talk today, i think i need it.

and really, since i can't make up my mind, i am hoping that 'the time will tell'

actually the time would have to become an orator ;)
or a politician...



and i got a cup with a happy sheep!
it's yellow, and the mug is orange.
and the card, of course with a sheep also, is blue.
in the window hangs the 'wondering sheep in love' ;)


and who said that i had a bad hair?? at least it is easy to buy me a present!

so, it is a bed time now.
i will go and count some sheep...

i'm frustrated!

i'm frustrated.
i'm mad.
i'm mad and frustrated.
i'm furious!!!

nie, to nie to.
tak nie działa.

jestem po prostu WKURWIONA!

oo, to zadziałało.

disappointed...

i feel disappointed...

why?
because i really hoped i am lucky this time.

that he is normal, not enormously great or ideal. no, just normal.
i thought that since he is not amazing much over the average, he also doesn't have many drawbacks.

but it is not so easy.
he is not easy...

and now comes the question...

NO! actually since when i am asking questions instead of listening to my intuition??
why i am analysing if that is worth trying or not? if those disadvantages mean less or more than the benefits??
why?
and what for?



this birthday was again the crying one...

will it be like that every five years...?

being 23...

today i'm 23.
really? am i? i keep on counting because i don't really believe it.
i have an impression that i must have skipped a year, forgot about one, or add one.

23. i could have a family by now. or a job. it's time when being adult and mature is normal.
but at the same time i feel that it's so stupid and immature to think that at the age of 23 you are actually a grown-up!

this way or another I AM 23...

should i have achieved something? succeed? be someone? have something?
is that the best time for it?
or maybe it's just a beginning? a foundation? a time when you can still be a child of your parents?

it is both, isn't it?
and that's what is beautiful about this time, the time of being in your early twenties...
it is understood and accepted to go on along any of those paths...

so i wish myself good choices and straight paths
true friends
many interesting experiences and adventures
and a good heart in me and for me

happy birthday B. !!

wylądował 13:54

''i made it!''

uff...
but half an hour before it was "still the traffic jam don't think i will make it"

and here we are, choosing a film.

but when i saw him coming from the arrival lounge, he was the way he suppose to be.
all handsome and good looking...

at the beginning it was strange just as it was expected...
not really knowing how to act, how to behave together.

but soon the awkwardness was gone and the time we spent together was perfect...

annulé...

ANNULE

grrr!

lot został anulowany...
kilka telefonów, Polska - Belgia - WizzAir, i już lepiej!

30-11 11.30 Warszawa-Okecie WZZ422W planifié

a jutro? powtórka?
mgła? krzywy pas? stewardess'a po nocnej imprezie?

czy jednak 11.30 décolé?
lot W6 422 Charleroi/Gosselies wylądował

i to dziwne 'nie wiadomo jak się do końca zachować'...

it's been 5 months!
until now it was just virtual contact...
how to do it tête-à-tête?

tomorrow will tell...

and now...

and now you're coming...

'if i fall in love with you, i will be coming more often...'
but you don't believe in love!

it's been 5 months...
who are you?
how are you?

the fog is all around...
will you find the way?
the way to my house?
to my home?
to my hart?

or maybe you already found it?

the fog is all around...

there...

there is so many things i don't understand about you...
there is so many things i'm not sure about you...
i am also afraid...
all those things you are saying are made to sound good?

why i am so afraid to be 'not cool'?
why every time i think that this is it?
who am i?
who you really are?
don't do that. don't try so hard to be hurt by someone, by me.
why you are trying so much not to be good while at the same time you are so good?
why am i writing all those things?
what are you hiding?
what am i hiding?
why there are no stars in the sky?
i'm lost
things are just the way they should be...
do you really think so?
why i am so afraid that you will laugh at me if i ask you: "will you really go to Casablanca?" ??
where should i be now?
when i was leaving Poland, a year ago, i had so strong impression that i am going for good. why i am coming back now?
am i really coming back?
this is strange that you don't want me to know your friends.
but it doesn't matter because we won't see each other again.
i...
i know why i met you, am happy.
although i am crying now.

do you keep a diary?
is all what you told me true?
and July is green...

no, we are not egoistic. or maybe we are? does it matter?

so many things had happened. so many things is still happening.
there is a rose on my table.
pink on the white table.

at the lake was perfect.

are you really so self confident?

i need to go... i need to think...
probably when i wake up all those feelings will be gone.

i don't want to be so dependent on rules of society.

what do you feel?

what i feel?

why you don't like dogs? pets?
will you give me a kiss before the exam or not

i am tired.
i know what to do but i can't admit that.

i burnt my tongue today.

it is so crazy!

but i am not sorry. i am only afraid that you will use it against me...